Thursday, September 6, 2012

Little Bit Died

Around 8;47 P.M. my Chihuahua of nine years died at Cape Cod Vet Center. She was attacked by a German Sheppard. The Vet said no matter how much money I had nothing could save her. I was allowed to be there as they put her to sleep. I felt her sweet and soft last breath on my face.

I have never felt pain like this before. I never felt such an emptiness that at times I wish I would not awaken from this nightmare.

Through it all; nine years of chaos, through the cancer, through a bad relationship and deceitful friends; she was the one true thing that stayed with me. The one soul that loved me unconditionally and asked for nothing from me but to hold her, carry her and love her.

I walked away for one minute to answer the phone and did not even hear the screams coming from the living room because of my hearing disability. I came into the room and could not believe the sight before me.

I blame myself for not protecting her and I cannot forgive myself for leaving her aside for one minute. I blame myself for her pain, suffering and her death. I cannot find it in my heart to allow myself peace that she is not in pain anymore. I cannot sleep without hearing the jingle of her collar.

They gave us a coffin for her. I placed her favorite dress in it, with crystals, necklace of mine and her little doll. I wrote her a letter asking her to forgive me. I told her we would reunite one day soon.

I feel as if I failed her and cannot ever let my heart heal. I don't deserve to be loved or love another human being or a beautiful creature such as Little Bit.

Rest In Peace my dearest friend, my child, my service dog, my familiar.
Little Bit 10/14/2003-09/04/2012